Two Rednecks Go To The Queen's Jubilee!

Hey everyone! As you know, our new book Round Here and Over Yonder came out earlier this week!

We are so grateful to everyone who pre-ordered and made opening day a huge success!

As you all are painfully aware, it’s hard to get me and Trae to shut up. Our verbosity is not limited just to podcasts however, and because of this, we went well over a hundred pages over our limit for the book lol

Not wanting those pages to go to waste, I’ve decided to share some of mine with you all here! Here’s a story about our experience at The Queen’s Jubilee! (Warning, this part was not passed over by our editor so you’re gonna have to excuse any mistakes 🤣

---

Round Here And Over Yonder Bonus Chapter

Two Rednecks Go To The Queen’s Jubilee!

We were fortunate not only to be blessed with almost statistically impossible good weather while on our trip across the pond to the normally grey and rainy UK, but we also lucked out in that we were scheduled to be there during HRM Queen Elizabeth II’s Platinum Jubilee! For those of you (like us) who may not be particularly well versed in Jubilees or the whole act of jubilation for that matter, the Platinum Jubilee is celebrated after 70 years on the throne. We don’t know what the 69th Jubilee is, but we’ll guess Chrome or Aluminum. 

It is almost an unfathomable reign in that most people alive today do not even remember a time when she was not Queen. Through 15 Prime Ministers, half a dozen wars, and god knows how many Corgis , one person has ran the show through it all, and it’s hard to imagine anyone else doing it. Some might say she’s the Vince McMahon of monarchs (footnote: some= Corey) 

With someone of this historical importance, it stands to reason that a celebration of this insane milestone would be met with grandiose fanfare, and we were tickled pinker’n a funeral flower to have the opportunity to be a part of it. If we are being honest, this is actually the opposite of what we thought was going to happen. On episode 10 of our podcast Puttin’ On Airs (footnote: a podcast where two un-fancy dipshits (us) talk about really fancy people and their culture. Check it out!) Corey aka Professor Cho’s topic was The Queen and he laid out the insane plans for what is to happen when The Queen dies (operation London Bridge) As we’ve said throughout our writing, this isn’t a history book so we won’t get in to all of it, but essentially the entire country is completely shut down for 12 days. Because of how we perceive to be treated by Lady Luck, We were absolutely convinced that she was going to fall over dead the second our plane touched down in London/Heathrow. 

She did not, thankfully, and thus we were able to experience the full breadth of the celebration. 

Now, you must understand, that the only time we have ever been in England was during said jubilee, so it’s kind of impossible for us to parse what was done for the party or what is just business as usual for the cheeky bastards over there. With that being said, it was certainly very patriotic and we aren’t sure that is always their MO. Don’t get us wrong, we had been schooled in the fact that over there, they have their own breed of freedom lovin-Don’t tread on me screaming-If you don’t speak English go back to your country ass-sumbitches who wave the Union Jack around like they were the starter at the Daytona 500. Gammons, we believe they called them. But much like over here, we know that those types are but the loud minority and that most people everywhere are… you know..sane!

As with everything they do, their sense of Nationalistic Pride that was sweeping the country and on full display during this celebration seemed a bit more…. Regal, if that makes sense. There were flags flying sure, and there were banners and such hung up and yes there were vendors selling pretty tacky Royal Family merchandise that even though we have no way to confirm, we can confidently say was not officially licensed. They had all that yes, but they weren’t like…. Bein loud and stupid about it, ya know? That’s actually something we noticed multiple times while on this trip: we could be in a heavily crowded area, A park, a busy street, etc… and it was quiet. At no point were we not able to hear each other talk, and for all those reading this in America, it’s something you have to experience before you realize just how loud and god damn boisterous our asses be over here. 

Apart from the flags and banners and all the accoutrement associated with the event, British Businesses were also celebrating in their own very corporate way of course. We passed a Subway Sandwich shop and we…. You know what, let’s pause right here for a minute… we really did not expect to see a god damn Subway sandwich shop whilst abroad. I mean, we knew there would be some US chains here and there on account of we’ve got some realllll bangers, but Subway? Jesus Christ, England… we are forced to put up with that meat flavored sodium paste slapped between two fuckin yoga mats over here, but y’all? I know the reputation in England is that y’all have bad taste in food, but surely to the old gods and the new y’all don’t actually like Subway do ya? Please report back. Anyways, where was I? Oh right, we saw that the Subway was advertising “in honor of The Queen’s Platinum Jubille, try our new Corination Chicken salad!”

Now all jokes about Subway aside, we are very glad that this happened because it forced us to look up what the hell a Corination Chicken salad was, at which point we hauled ass to another sandwich shop (our strict criteria being that it was not Subway) and try this delicious sandwich, and it now ranks among our favorites. Truly delightful. 

So we’d seen them be decorative for The Jubilee, but we weren’t immediately awe struck by any flamboyant display. I mean hell, back home in the south we’ve had Little League Baseball parades that went harder than this! One time this ole boy’s momma couldn’t afford to make a float, so she just spray painted the team's name on the side of her pick up truck, and it stayed that way until she shot herself in it 15 years later. Y’all think anyone loves The Queen that much? Doubtful 

We can tell you one thing that is very different to us about the patriotism shown by the Brits during the Jubilee: it was unified! Don’t get us wrong, we are very aware that not everyone over there digs The Queen, or the royal family in general. Opinions on the monarchy are very diverse. Some are absolutely 100% for it, and take great pride in being one of the remaining countries in the modern world to uphold it. Some people are firmly against it because it’s hard to stomach a family pissing away such opulent wealth on gold toilets and 30 million dollar glorified tea parties while many around the country go to bed cold and hungry. There are many people who are pro monarchy but don’t care for this Queen. On the adverse, there are people who hate the monarchy as a concept but like Queen Elizabeth. As hard as it is to believe, nuance does still exist from time to time in this god forsaken world. But regardless of everything we said, we didn’t see anyone arguing about it. No one screaming at someone holding a sign that said Long Live The Queen, no one throwing eggs at Buckingham palace, no one spray painting a big black dick on a Jubilee banner. Or at least if it happened, we didn’t see it, and we sorta feel like we would have. 

We guess the only explanation is that… you don’t elect The Queen? So there’s like, only one option and thus there is no sense in arguing? Cause we’re telling you right now, if we had a country wide days long celebration for ANY of our presidents, regardless of which party they belonged to, you’d see the United States turn in to a god damn Stanley Cup riot the likes of which you ain’t ever seen. Hell, where we are from, your ass better not have the wrong BUMPER sticker lest ye fall victim to the ole poop-smeared-on- your-windshield gimmick. 

If we are being honest though, the whole thing WAS a bit underwhelming. We saw a few parades that were cool and it was neat to see all the decor and see restaurants and bars doing Jubilee themed specials and serving Mar-Queenies, shaken not stirred or whatever whimsical shit they were doing. It was great. Seriously, it was great, we aren’t shitting on them, it’s just that being American we are just VERY used to things being wayyyy more extravagant than they need to be. We are used to explosions and Mamaws funneling beer and pulling their titties out the bottom of their shirts and ya know… people dying and shit! So you really let us down on that front, England! 

Oh right… we’ve only talked about our experience with the jubilee in ENGLAND. We also went to Scotland and you’re probably wondering how the Scots felt about the jubilee. Well buckle up folks, cause let me tell you…. They didn’t really give a fuck lol. 

It was cool, but we’ll take the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade any day of the week. Sorry, chaps!