“I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too” - Mitch Hedberg
The first time I ever drank a beer was also the first time I smoked weed, and the first time I ever took a pain pill. Some might say that I’m an all-or-nothing kind of guy, but really it’s just that I’m an idiot. I’d like you to reserve a little bit of judgment, not only for the fact that I was 14 but also because this was during that short period of time between pain pills becoming readily available and us finding out that they were highly addictive killers…. The Good Ole Days!
I remember that night like it was yesterday. Well, I remember the first part of that night at least. Me and my buddy (let’s just call him “Grizzly”) were heading up the road to a cabin party that had been the talk of the school for the past few weeks. We were freshmen, and the only reason we were even allowed to mingle at a gathering of upperclassmen was that we were on the football team, and so was the boy whose parents’cabin we were about to destroy.
Grizzly had just turned 15, so he had his learners permit and all that, and round where I come from, oftentimes that’s close enough in some parent’s minds. As such, we were allowed to go out on our own so long as we stayed within the town limits. We played a little fast and loose with that rule, as you can imagine. On our way up to the cabin, we were going around the big curve right before ya get to the gas station that would sell us beer, and out of nowhere, a cat ran out in the middle of the road. I pointed it out and screamed, but it was too late. I don’t see how it’s possible, but I swear we got all four tires on that poor little sumbitch1. Fur went flying, and as I turned to catch a glimpse, I saw two things: The cat already stiff as a board on its back with every leg pointed straight in the air, and a little girl running to the road crying. That image has never left me and still haunts my dreams. I know we should have stopped, but we were underage with a cooler full of beer and illegally driving on a learner’s permit. Our hands were tied.
We get to the cabin, and everyone is already fucked up as a dolphin dick2, so we have to play drug-and-liquor-catch up! A very safe and responsible thing for anyone to do, especially a 14-year-old boy3! My buddy Travis was shotgunning Natty Ice and told me I was a pussy if I couldn’t match him beer for beer. Spoiler alert: I was a pussy.. but it wasn’t for lack of trying! As I said earlier, at that time, I had never drank a beer, but even with that in mind, I somehow knew that Natty Ice was probably not the best the genre had to offer. My first hint was that Travis was drinking them, and I’d seen him huff gas before football practice4
After I puked, Travis handed me a little white pill that I would later find out was called a “hydro.” A Hydro, if you are not familiar with it, is short-hand for hydro codeine, which can also be referred to as “Papaw’s little back pill” or “Hillbilly Tic Tacs.” Doctors say you shouldn’t mix pills with alcohol (you shouldn’t), but we always just assumed that’s because Doctors didn’t want us having any fun! And boy, did we ever have fun!
As the night progressed, I would take more pills, drink more beers, smoke weed out of an apple, pass out in a jacuzzi, and accidentally see a Senior girl’s titties while trying to find a toilet to puke in again. Had to see her boyfriend’s ding dong too, but that’s collateral damage I’m always willing to accept.
This isn’t a story about addiction by the way. This is barely a story at all and more the insane ramblings of a lunatic, but I don’t want anyone sitting there to think that this is going to end with me blowing a motorcycle salesman so I can get a fix. I would never. I don’t know anyone who sells motorcycles. While I was not and am not an addict, this was the start of a long road paved with terrible decisions, some of which I do not even remotely remember.
Two years after I started taking pills, drinking like a maniac, and smoking cigarettes like a Waffle House cook who just got out of jury duty, I did something arguably dumber: I started doing Stand up. I was 16 years old in a grown man’s world. Well, they were grown men age-wise, but comedy tends to attract those of us who never want to grow up in any other way. The first of many disappointments I would have in comedy was finding out that I had missed the cocaine boom by several years. Little did I know that the ADD medication I had refused to take for all those years could have a similar effect when administered properly.I know what you are all thinking, and the answer is yes: I only liked drugs that I didn’t have a prescription for.
Once I got my feet wet in comedy, and after I had been kicked out of and let back in to the local comedy club on several occasions, I started getting actual work in the main room very frequently. I was the house MC there for two years and back then, that meant doing seven shows a week. One on Thursday, two on Friday, two in the main room on Saturday and a quick set in the B room between shows, and another show to close out the weekend on Sunday, when we were all barely hanging on.
That was a pretty intense pace, even for a young feller, but the reason we were able to “hang on” as it were, was because of the brilliant concoction Ward had come up with in his lab5
He’d take an Adderall, a Percocet (or hydro, sometimes both) and a Xanax and put em all out on a wooden cutting board. He’d take a coffee mug and use it like a rolling pin to grind all the pills into one cohesive powder that we would then snort directly up our noses. Don’t worry; we used different straws. Even before covid, we weren’t gross.
The thought behind this was that the Xanax would calm your nerves before the show, the Hydro would make you feel bulletproof about your material, and the Adderall would keep you from passing out after all the liquor you’d be drinking all night. It worked. I’m not saying it was a good idea, but it worked.
Ok, now let me get to the point. I said ALL THAT, to say this:
Six years ago, I signed a book deal that changed my life, and with it came a comedy tour that was an immediate success and continues to be so to this day. As soon as all that happened, I looked myself in the mirror and said, “Alright big boy, there ain’t no fucking around anymore!” and I swore off the “hard stuff” forever.
A couple of years ago, I changed my relationship with alcohol, which had remained a friend even after the divorce with drugs. Since then, I’ve lost 60 pounds, started eating better, got help for my depression and anxiety, and am currently not only the happiest and healthiest I’ve ever been.. but also the most successful.
Don’t ever let anyone try to trick you into thinking that being a “tortured artist” is the only way to go about it. I absolutely despise that kinda talk.
I promise you, you make better shit when you feel good!
Thanks for lettin’ me ramble!
Holler at ya next week. Tell ya mom and ‘em I said hey!
really wish I could tell you that this was the last alcohol/cat-related incident of my youth
I’m no biologist (surprise!) I just, for some reason, know a little bit about Dolphin dicks (I browse Reddit a lot). They have a prehensile penis, meaning it can swivel, grab and grope, much like a human hand.
Since there isn’t a “sarcasm” font, please know that I am kidding. You hear that, kids who are reading this because you have cool parents? Don’t do it!
I suppose that’s one way to get your mind right to have your brain squished during Oklahoma drills!
parents basement
I laughed at your underage party story; I have a lot of them myself. I also honor your journey to sobriety, and thank you for sharing it. I've been sober almost 33 years and working on my eating issues for longer than that. It's amazing when you give up extra food and better living through chemistry what you can accomplish. You are an inspiration.
I’m reading this as a parent of an almost-40 year old and a 42 year old. Both of them went through very rough periods of substance use/abuse. Little we as parents could do. Both came out of those times and are successful in their chosen careers. I am relieved and so happy for them and for you. Feels to your mom.