Corey Ryan Forrester’s Rants and Such!
Chickaluki City Limits!
Sunday Sermon w/ Pastor Petey: Thou Shalt Enjoy Thanksgiving w/ Your Family!

Sunday Sermon w/ Pastor Petey: Thou Shalt Enjoy Thanksgiving w/ Your Family!

A Chickaluki City Limits Production

Children of the flock, Pastor Petey is back and he worked long and hard on today’s sermon for ya!

This one is about family, food, friends, and most importantly… picking your battles!

I hope you enjoy the sermon as well as the new additions to our program up top! For those of you who can’t always listen, Pastor Petey has written out the transcript of his message which can be found below!

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving, and as Christmas approaches, consider gifting one of your friends or family a subscription to our little world here…. if you enjoy it, I bet they will too!

Thanks as always to all of those who have already left a little in the offering plate by paying to subscribe this year, and remember, if the “content” is worth more to you, you can always leave a little extra in PayPal by sending offering to

As you know, we also give away paid subscriptions on the regular to those who can’t afford it, and you can also sponsor those comps on the PayPal as well…. but as you know, none of that is expected or required, and we are simply glad you are here!

Take care, and Happy Thanksgiving!

Sunday Sermon - 11/19/23 Transcript

Friends and neighbors, boys and girls, and those among us not tethered to a gender one way or another, welcome once again to Pastor Peteys place for parishioners both Pompus and prolitarite alike.

We’ve got a great sermon for you today but before that, Pastor Petey is proud to let you know about the first Sponsor here on the program!

We of course like to keep our money local to the fine city of Chickaluki, and in doing so we’ve offered our pulpit as a platform for small businesses here in town to amplify their products!

Todays sermon is brought to you by Sister Sheila’s Soul Saving Center for Small children, or more commonly referred to as just Sister Sheila’s DayCare

At Sister Sheila’s Daycare we know that life is tough. You wanna have a house full of little rascals, but them suckers cost more money than a Brazilian Butt Lift for a Kardashian!

Trusting someone to care for your Rugrats while you bust your hump down at Delmar Boake’s chicken feed store is not a decision you take lightly, and here at Sister Shelia’s day care we understand that

We not only offer the best in childrens day care, but the best in Children’s discipline.

All our teachers are the wives or daughters of former military drill Sargents, so your child will have no problem paying Attention! (Pronounced how the army folk say it with extra syllables)

The only “time out” your child will take is time out from Sister Shelia whoopin his rear end for cuttin a fart during the morning prayer!

And you’ll be happy to know that this year we have updated our whoopin paddles! The new ASSWHIP 3000 comes with an array of holes drilled in it in strategic locations to make it less wind resistant, and thus more affective at preventing repeat offenders!

Our services are offered on a sliding scale for those who have a lower salary, or those whose husband pissed away the college fund bettin on the puppies at the Dog Track… lookin at you RICKY!!

So come on down to Sister Shelia’s Soul Savin Center for Small Children, aka Sister Shelia’s Daycare anytime between now and the end of school and receive 40% off your first month by using the promo code: JESUSSAVESBUTMRSSHELIAWITHDRAWS

Sister Shelia’s Day care: For those who need a few helping hands!

We Preciate Sister Shelia and her business keepin the lights on and helping to pay the bills round here.

Speaking of paying the bills, we actually had a surplus this month of money from the offering plate. Now I know a lot of you are thinking “well good that balances the checkbook after all the skimming Deacon Rickey did off the top” and yes, you are correct, but we thought it best to take that extra blessing this month and pay it forward.

That’s why we are happy to announce that this year for the Christmas pageant we will actually be able to hire an actor to play the Virgin Mary instead of having to slap a wig on brother Claude Poteet! Praise father god!

While we are on the subject of the Christmas pageant, I must remind all the parents that if your child is in the Christmas pageant this year, you will be required to stay during practice and supervise.

Last year our Drama director Sister Tasha had to play the role of Baby sitter along with being an Auteur and frankly, the production suffered as a result. One of the wise men was trying to stick a straw in a capri son during the little drummer boy and damn near poked his eye ball out. Luckily the tiny sharp yella straw didn’t pierce the flesh but the strawberry kiwi juice sure did sting and resulted in a blood curdling scream father god that sorta took the audience out of the performance!

In other announcements, the Homecoming supper this evening has been postponed a couple hours on account of Sister Sylvia’s husband, Brother Walt, forgot to thaw the turkey when Sister Sylvia asked him to. I would personally reprimand Walt for puttin a hitch in our collective giddy up, but being on the receiving end of one of Mrs Sylvia’s butt chewings is punishment enough, so much so father god that I believe we may need to pray for Brother Walt during these trying times.

That bout does it for the announcements aside from letting you all know that you need to get your slips of paper in the hat as we will all be drawing names for christmas this year, and a yearly reminder that used Tupperware may be practical but it does not make a good gift, Shirley.

Now on to the prayer requests father god sister Beatrice writes in “Dear lord and pastor Petey please pray for my older sister Eunice Weems, she has become the victim of an online scam but won’t bring herself to admit it. She seems to think that it makes perfect sense that a Persian Prince would message her asking for money, because she made a lot of new friends at Disney’s Epcot center last summer with her grandkids, and one of them may have passed her information on to his majesty”

Shew wee sister Beatrice we empathize with your pain. We coulda told you back when she started sharing articles from The Onion in Ernest that Mrs Eunice didn’t need to be anywhere near a computer!

Father god we got another one here from Brother Ronnie Shelby that says “Pastor Petey I ask that you pray for me and mine as we are going thru a tough time. As many of you know, my brother Terry Shelby disgraced our family many years ago by marrying our Cousin LouAnne Studabaker. Terry claimed we were all overreacting as she was a distant cousin, but we informed him that her living in Michigan didn’t change the fact that she was our Uncles daughter!

Well, Terry went on a wild Turkey bender and slept with his sister in law, and I wish that was the worst of it, but it ain’t.

At our family’s Memorial Day and Truck month celebration, Uncle Ernest’s blood sugar got low and he started admitting to some old family secrets.

See as it turns out, when LouAnne was born, the family hid it because it was out of wedlock, and at the time they were strict Pentecostals and feared the preacher might turn a snake loose on em. Because of this, they decided that the grandmother would raise her, and they’d tell everyone that the mom was actually the older sister.

Granny Bertie was well past menopause, but everyone had just read about Abraham’s wife Sarah squeezing one out when she was in her twilight, so divine intervention wasn’t off the table

In case the point has gotten lost on some people in this tangled web of a story, yes, it turns out that who Terry had the affair with was actually his mother in law instead

When Louanne found out, she stole all of Granny’s nerve pills from her purse and locked herself in her beauty Salon and ain’t come out since.

We ask the lord that he’ll heal her soul, but more importantly, make her unlock the doors cause there’s a lot of old ladies who need to get a perm before thanksgiving!

Lord Father God brother Ronnie Shelby you are living thru the premise of a Drive By Truckers song. I can’t follow that with anything but a prayer….

Father god we ask that you let
Sister Eunice Weems see the light before it’s too late. It’s one thing for a Meemaw to be catfished, but it’s another thing entirely when its monetary effects will impact the next generation of Little Weems children. Father god we pray that she kept a couple of them Princess Diana beanie babies with the red tag still on em so she can get out from under this and move on.

And father god, in the event that this is somehow all true, pray for the country of Persia as they suffer through the catastrophic reign of Princess Eunice J Weems

Father god we ask you to bless
Brother Ronnie Shelby, Sister Louanne Studabaker, and more importantly Sister Granny Bertie.

Incestual relationships are hard enough on a family, but unless I read that wrong, they also have to visit family in Michigan father god. Wooo. Nothing against the fine folks of Michigan, but spending Christmas de-thawing ya nutsack off ya leg is enough to turn Buddy The Elf into the Grinch who stole Christmas!

And finally father god we ask that you bless our humble little town of Chickaluki this holiday season and keep our families civil…. Amen.

And on that note we will begin today’s sermon which comes from the book of Fellowship chapter 3 verse 35. Thou shalt not let petty grievances ruin a good Turkey and Dressing dinner can I get an amen?

Father god we live in a world more divided than exponents in a Chinese math problem.

Some of these divisions make sense, of course. When we see abject immorality it is our duty as well meaning citizens to not only point it out, but to encourage others to abstain from such nonsense and filth.

For instance, when we saw Deacon Ricky double dipping potato chips in Sister Sheila’s home made French onion dip during flu season, we were well within our rights to request he abscond the premises and go home to take a bath father god.

But to Deacon Rickey’s credit, he acknowledged the folly of his ways and even wore plastic gloves to the next fish fry.

Sorry to always be putting you on the spot Rickey but this anecdote can actually serve as a parable of sorts.

Through all of Rickey’s faults, and lord knows there are many… whether it be driving his lawnmower at night with the lights off, switching the price tags in the clearance rack at TJ Maxx, or knocking over vending machines at Chickaluki middle school cause his Cheetos got stuck during Grandparents day… I could go on but his wife is giving me the stink eye right now…. Point is, through all of Rickey’s faults, when it was brought to his attention that something he did was considered un-couth by the community, he took their feelings into consideration and changed his behavior

Now do I think for one second that Rickey changed his opinions on the matter? No I do not. I’d bet all the small mouth bass in Chickaluki lake that Rickey went home that evening and scraped his thumb through the cool whip tub without a second thought.

And disgusting as that may be, there is a lesson amongst the filth….. Sometimes it ain’t a bad idea to act one way at home, and another in public!

Children of the flock, like it or not, we are in this life together. And father god this life is hard.

We go to work everyday to pay for a home that we are never at, to feed a child that we never see, and to save for a retirement we will never live to

In all this hustle and bustle what we are left with is moments. Fleeting moments. Snap shots glued to a scrap book and tossed in the attic for your grand kids to find.

Children of the flock I put to you today this question….dont you want these moments to be as pleasant as they can? I know that if I was only allowed to watch one movie a week, I’d damn sure want it to be a good one. A Scorsese, a Tarantino, a Nolan, a Farrelly Brothers father god!!!

Or… ya know, whoever your favorite director is… these are but the opinions of one man but that one man has the pulpit at present hallelujah father god!

What’s your point Pastor Petey? Well much like a Mamaw on a rascal scooter it might take me a while to get there but once I am I’ll make you all biscuits, can I get an amen?

I may catch a little heat for this, and I am more than willing to admit that I am wrong, but in the spirit of the holidays I am going to say what I believe to be the truth.

While I do believe that the phrase “don’t talk religion or politics at the dinner table” was created wholeheartedly to discourage independent thinking from the younger generation, I must admit that at least in the case of holiday dinners, I think it is a good idea.

Now before you judge me too much please understand that I have been firmly on the other side of this argument for many a years. And, in most any other situation I believe that you should stand your ground and speak up for what is right. What is just. What is moral father god.

But if we are being honest with ourselves, conversations about our differences are only successfully had by those willing to change their minds, or at the very least keep it open if only for a brief time.

Conversations about changing the foundation of our beliefs have to take place over a long period , with ample time to process our thoughts, and in most cases, to cool our emotions.

Is this really a process that you think can be accelerated when everyone in the room is full of giblets, sweating gravy, and drooling for more pecan pie? Well if you do, you have more than a mustard seeds worth of faith in your family, and pastor Petey for one admires your gusto!

Let’s get down to the real point im trying to make here and I’ll let you all go. I know bringing up all that food has you licking your lips in the pews and picturing my head as a glazed country ham!

The hard fact is that yes, in many instances, your Uncle is a stone cold prick. He spouts garbage at the dinner table not because he is worried that you might not be aware of the truth, but rather that he is terrified, miserable, and lonely on his misguided convictions.

He is not a rational man who can see the facts you might display and be encouraged to seek more literature on the subject. On the contrary, he will scoff at any counterpoint you make and exclaim “fake news!” No matter how reputable the source, or how logical you may present your argument.

“So Pastor Petey, am I supposed to just let him get away with it?”

Well, for one day…. Yes. Yes I’m afraid you should. If a friend or relative makes a personal attack on you, then what I’ve said need not apply, but if they are just sitting there spouting off conspiracy theory mad libs… yeah.. maybe just ignore them.

Truth told, not getting attention will hurt them far more than any clever quip you could toss their way. I believe it could be argued that engaging with such nonsense is actually what lets them win.

But the main reason, children of the flock, my parishioners that I love so dearly… is that in the midst of this disruptive family member trying to ruin thanksgiving by measuring his weenie on the table, there are Grandparents that might not make it to Christmas…

I apologize for taking a turn for despair, but I think it is important. A lot of people cut their families off for wholly justified reasons: You are LGBTQ+ and they do not accept you, you are married to a Black guy and they are repugnantly racist, or they have been violently abusive either physically or psychologically.

If you are the victim of any of these situations, or others like it, I promise I am not preaching to you and you were right to run for the hills and I wish more than anything that your new life is happy and fulfilled.

But for the rest of us who have let a few bad apples keep us from returning to the Orchard, think about the good apples you have left.

When you participate in escalating a situation at the dinner table this Thanksgiving, it’s not gonna hurt your Uncle. He came there hoping to get a rise out of you. And it’s not going to hurt YOU (at the moment at least) … feeling righteous never does hurt. But you know who it will hurt? Your Great Grandmother who knows she doesn’t have long left. Your Aunt who is sick but hasn’t told anyone yet because she didn’t want to sour the mood during the holidays. And eventually, I promise because I’ve been there…. It will hurt you the most. Because deep down in your heart you know that you’re not going to change anyone’s mind that day. Matter of fact, I believe it may be a law of science that opinions cannot be swayed where sweet potato casserole is present.

One day, if you’re like me, you’ll look back and think to yourself… no matter how right I was, Uncle Keith still went on to be a prick…. But lord I sure wish I’d spent more time talking to granny than I did making an ass out of him. It’s been 8 years since she passed father god and if I think hard enough I can still smell the Liz Taylor White Diamonds on her neck as she leaned in to kiss me goodbye. And no matter how much I pray or how hard I wish, I’ll never spend another thanksgiving with her as long as I live…… but some of you can.. This Thursday. And take it from me… you’ll be glad you did. And all gods people said? Amen!

Corey Ryan Forrester’s Rants and Such!
Chickaluki City Limits!
Welcome to Chickaluki! Our own little slice of heaven! Like Lake Wobegon with a southern twist, The Chickaluki universe is filled with eccentric characters who get up to all sorts of mischief! From Pastor Petey to Colonel Cornbread and much more, everything that happens in Chickaluki City Limits will live here! As always, we thank you for being a citizen in our ever growing little town!