Don’t Put Me In A Box or (Panic Attacks and Where To Find Them!)

Depression and anxiety are a lot like your in-laws at Christmas time. Just when you think they are gone and you can finally relax, they pop back in the door and try to stay forever. To defend depression and anxiety a little bit, they’ve never clogged my toilet up or used my Darth Vader coffee mug as a spit cup.

I’ve suffered from depression and anxiety long before those words made their way into the lexicon of my small southern town, and even though they are used now, it’s often in a disparaging way or as the punchline to a joke about how liberals should be deemed unfit to be Firefighters or some other such non-sense.

When I was a kid I’d throw “fits” as Granny called em. Not a temper tantrum because I wasn’t gifted the latest Batman action figure, mind you, as I was not a spoiled child, but random expressions of grief and confusion that would end with me all but fully hyperventilating on the ground in the fetal position. Once everyone let me have my space, I would eventually calm down and couldn’t for the life of me figure out what had caused me to act that way. That was one case of curiosity I shared with the rest of my family.

Looking back now, it’s very obvious to me (and any therapist you’d talk to) that I was having a panic attack. Bear in mind please that I’m not a doctor or therapist or someone most people would even describe as intelligent, so when I speak on these issues, know that it is anecdotal. But I will speak the truth as it pertains to me, thank you very much.

I think when I was younger, the panic attacks were brought on by feelings of being misunderstood. I still consider myself misunderstood, but with age I’ve found both the words and skills to better explain myself. That, and to a certain degree I’ve stopped caring. I loved sports and all the things little boys are supposed to like, but I also really enjoyed watching HGTV with my Momma and going shopping with her at antique malls. I wanted to be a comedian and an actor and just an overall performer since I was 5 years old, and I think because of that I was prone to the dramatic. People always made me feel like I was supposed to pick a personality and stick with it, but I liked being all over the place! I didn’t think that, to quote them “having a feminine side” was such a bad thing. I’m very thankful to live in a world now that more and more feels the way I do.

For the record, I’m not writing this to come out as non-binary or some such. It’s fine if you are, but that’s not me. I identify as a straight white male. But a straight white male that absolutely cannot STAND being put in a box. This happens to me a lot. I’m interested in a great many avenues of art and entertainment. I’m a stand up comedian who also likes to write, and make goofy videos, and do podcasts, and talk about serious things, and also talk about goofy things! I’ve found that when someone discovers me and decides to be a fan, they only want me to do the thing that they discovered me for. Often times they will very publicly unfollow me. “Stick to the political videos, it’s why we are here!” They’ll say. And that’s fine, that’s their prerogative… but it can’t help but to make me feel like that little kid again who just didn’t understand why people wouldn’t let him be who he was. Why they insisted he pick a lane.

Well…. Sorry for that tangent there! What was I on about? Oh right… anxiety and depression! Those naughty little words!

I’ve been on medication for anxiety and depression now for gettin close to a year, and I’ll be the first to tell you that it has changed my life. There was a chemical imbalance in my brain, and now it is fixed. When you break it down like that, it’s hard to imagine anyone could say that it’s not a real problem, but there still are unfortunately. Those who tell you to suck it up those who tell you you are weak. Those who tell you it’s all in your head. That last one actually isn’t that far off…. It IS all in your head, and your head is a pretty crucial part of your existence so it stands to reason that you should get it treated!!

I’d like to believe that these people are fewer and far between now as we progress forward with science and data on the matter, but I know we’ll never be completely rid of idiots, and for that I’m at least kind of glad. If there weren’t idiots, who would the rest of us look to in order to feel better about ourselves? Sometimes looking at an idiot and knowing I’m not them does about as good a job as my Lexapro ever has!

I do know one thing though…if my child suffers from anxiety and/or depression, and we all know there is a good chance they will… they will have the greatest support team ever. They will have parents and grandparents and Uncles and Aunts who all understand, and who love them for who they are. They won’t have to spend 33 years figuring it out like I did, because we know more now, and we are better off for it. I hope they read this one day so they’ll understand that Daddy understands. And I hope they know that when people try to put you in a box, you can just bust that sumbitch open and climb out.

Thank you. I feel much better having written this:)