I’ve Decided To Be An Alpha Male

The internet is a wild and wonderful place, y’all! Sure, there is hatred and racism and a plethora of people on it who exist solely to ruin everyone’s perfectly good day.. but I think the good outweighs the bad! Have you heard of memes? I rest my case!

The best feature of the internet I’ve found thus far is that it has an endless wealth of knowledge! Almost everywhere you look there are facts and statistics, all of which must be true, otherwise why would DogFart69 post them? This is especially helpful when you are having trouble confirming a long held bias; Just type in what you believe and BOOM… proof that you were right! Someone call Papaw and tell him that these, are in fact, “the good ole days”

Another thing the internet is good for, and a phenomenon that seems to pop up alot recently, is learning about something that everyone seems to have been aware of but yourself. The latest in particular has been a great discovery for me, and that is the existence of Alpha Males!

Thank GOD I have found out about these men! If I’m being honest, I have started to lose a little faith in our justice system over the past several years, and knowing that there are strong, brave, able-bodied heroes out there which God has blessed with extra testosterone will help me sleep better at night.

I’m not suggesting, by the way, that I had never heard the phrase “Alpha Male” up until this point in my life. It’s just that I was clearly wrong about it’s definition!

When I was growing up I would hear our teachers talk about lions in this manner. In a huge pack of lions, there was usually only one Alpha Male. One quick scroll on twitter and you will know that this can’t be true, because nearly every man on the internet is an alpha male!

The alpha male in a pack of lions doesn’t work, by the way. He lays around all day enjoying the fruits of his pack’s labor. He doesn’t hunt or anything… he has the females and the Beta Males do all that for him!

Again, this can’t possibly be true. As evident on the internet, a true alpha male works 24 hours a day and would never be with an employed woman, because that would make her a lesbian! A lesbian who also kills babies for some reason (these are not my words, just those from the Alpha Males that I’m trying to learn from)

It makes sense, if you think about it, that our textbooks would present Alpha Males as lazy a**holes who leech off the hard work of the less fortunate, and Beta Males and women as the unsung heroes of a functioning society.Text books are written by liberals under the command of the elite to indoctrinate our children into believing that it is a crime to be a straight white god fearing successful business man.

I am sorry to say that I have been brainwashed. I learned to cook at an early age and often do it for my wife. I can see now that I was wrong. We have often split chores, not by gender norms, but by who has the first chance to get to it. I now know that by folding towels, I may as well have dedicated my life to ISIS. I will try to get better about this.

I have been told that alpha males do not apologize because it’s a sign of weakness. Through therapy I learned that admitting mistakes was crucial for relationship building and personal growth, but now I can see that therapy is yet another tool used by the liberal elite to turn red blooded men into sniveling babies, easier to be controlled by the machine. I will never again apologize, and I am so sorry that I ever did. Shit. Ok, that was the last time, I promise.

Yep, I think I’m going to like being an Alpha Male! Being a bully under the guise of “telling it like it is!” is going to be a welcome change from treating people with respect. I’ve also heard it works when you say something racist.. what a world!

Look out ladies, cause as soon as I get my mirrored Oakleys and take a front facing picture from behind the wheel of my truck, it’s OVER for you bitches!

Photo by Ruthson Zimmerman on Unsplash