If I Were The King

Maybe it’s because I grew up with a mother and grandmother who doted on me without pause, but I always reckoned I’d make a pretty good King. It don’t seem near as hard as being the President, as far as I can tell, and it appears these days that just about anybody can do that! One reason I think it’d be easier is that when you’re The King, your job isn’t in jeopardy just because most people don’t like you. I think people would like me as King, though. Course I bet that’s what everyone thinks. If you’re in a position of power it doesn’t matter how well you use it, some people will hate you just for having it. I guess I can’t blame ‘em for that, but I think if I was offered a trial run I could probably change a few minds.

The first thing I would do is get rid of this “Daylight Savings” non-sense. It had a good run, but it’s long since out stayed its welcome. I think it was implemented so that farmers could have an extra hour to plow beans or something, but in case nobody has brought this up… most of us ain’t farmers anymore! I don’t know what the original time was, but whichever one it is that we use in the summer that makes the days longer, that’s the one we are gonna stick with. Matter of fact, I’m open to the possibility of adding another hour to it so the Sun don’t go down till about 9:30pm. That would give us more time to walk in the park, play golf, sit on our porch and cuss at the kids who drive to fast. The farmers can work late if they want to, but nobody really needs the Sun at 8AM anyhow. We are already miserable and don’t want to be awake, why not save the Sun for when we can enjoy it!

The second thing I would do is require that any man who wishes to ride a Crotch-Rocket must complete 40 hours of community service a month changing old people’s diapers at the nursing home. No one on earth should be allowed to zip down the highway between lanes of traffic on something that was designed to break the sound barrier. Plus, all us normal people would prefer to get home both alive, and without pooping ourself in fear when one of you immature dumb-dumbs pops a wheelie in front of a school bus. I believe in freedom so I won’t outlaw them, but by God you’re gonna earn it, and finally contribute something to society.

The third thing I would do is force McDonald’s locations to disclose whether or not their milkshake machine is broken by way of a giant neon sign. When the machine is operating, the sign shall say “Come on in, we’ve got milkshakes!” when the machine is broken, the sign shall say “Our Milkshake Machine is broken, we are sorry that we suck. Please go to Sonic”.

I have a great many other ideas that I would implement, and I’m not sorry to admit that most of them are food related. Butterfinger will not only return to its original recipe, but will bring back Butterfinger BB’s. Failure to do so would be considered an act of treason, and God help you once I’m done using the guillotine to cut up these watermelons!

Women would not only be allowed to breastfeed in public, but be required to on the first Tuesday of every month. This would not be in Lieu of, but instead, a welcome addition to Taco Tuesday, which under my reign would be considered a national holiday with employees receiving time off (with pay)

Speaking of work, when I’m king, any meeting that could have been an email, will be an email, and if your job can be done behind a desk then by god that desk can be at your house. Those who are required to actually go in to work will no longer have to dress in “business casual” (whatever the hell that means) but will instead get to wear sweatsuits, or any other such items of comfort they may choose. Whether or not said sweatsuits are embroidered with the sigil of your dear King is entirely up to you, but please know it will be taken into account when I make my monthly pilgrimages about town and hand out free lollipops.

Yep, I think I could handle the crown just fine. Tis such a shame that those whom it would suit so well are never in line for it.

Have a great day, y’all!