Farewell, Tucker

We just found out that Tucker Carlson and Fox News have parted ways, so there’s really not much to write about on the situation at present. I’ve never let something like “lack of knowledge” stop me from running my mouth, though, so I’ll continue.

The only fact I’m aware of right now is that Fox News took a 930 Million dollar hit in the stock market today. That proves that while he may be a prick, Tucker Carlson is a valuable prick.

For my whole news-watching-life (which is a way shorter range than it ourt be) Tucker Carlson has been there. Whether bouncing around like a school boy in need of a slap in the face wearing his pretty little bow tie, or screaming with his face beet-red that pansexuals with blue Mohawks are to blame for the pending Civil War.

For the longest, I just looked at Tucker as a punchline. I remember Jon Stewart making a shoe store out of his ass on live TV, and ever since then I just saw him as a threat-less attention whore saying whatever he thought would keep him on the air.

All of that changed over the past 6 or so years for me when it became clear that what he was doing was not harmless at all. Because “saying whatever he thought would keep him on the air” turned very quickly into the intentional riling up of a demographic who didn’t need more than a little push to go completely over the edge.

Tucker Carlson and whoever fills his shoes are dangerous people. They pretend to share a point of view with hard working Americans while blatantly suckling at the teet of corporate overlords and religious oligarchs. Their sole purpose is to make people feel entitled to the most horrible beliefs imaginable, and then hide behind “we are fair and balanced!” Whenever the shit hits the proverbial fan.

I wanted to celebrate Tucker no longer being on the air, but I fear that this will just make his base more fervent in their support of him. No doubt in the coming weeks we will hear people screaming that Fox News has finally “gone woke”, which will then lead to Tucker and Marjorie Taylor Greene having the worst podcast you’ve ever heard in your life. A hugely profitable one, though, even if it’s only sponsors are MyPillow and a coffee company that sells beans that liberals are allegedly allergic to. Freedom Brew or some shit like that.

I don’t know what the point of me writing this is, but if it ever makes it’s way to you, Tucker, I just want you to know that you’re one of the worst Americans alive. People who have to point out every 5 minutes that they are a patriot rarely ever are in my experience. You have divided this nation further, have cost me relationships by ear worming people I love with utter bullshit, and at the end of the day you don’t care how many people get hurt in the wake of your fire-stoking babble.

I will hate you forever because of that, but I know that you will come to hate it as well one day when you look in the mirror. If you can even see your reflection.

I hope you get crabs in your butthole

Sincerely, Corey Ryan Forrester