Don't Know No Words Too Good

A Southerner's Apology For Bad Grammar

“Y’all is only used by those with no vocbulary. A turnoff”- Someone I wasn’t aware I was supposed to turn on!

I was recently told that people who use the word “Y’all” only do so because they otherwise have a terrible vocabulary. Now I ain’t much one for throwin’ fits and gettin’ my feathers ruffled over somethin’ no bigger than a bug’s ear, but that pert near sent me to hollerin’. Why I do declare that if I’d done had my fill of likker that evenin’, I’d run the risk of showin’ my ass!

If I’m being honest and not tellin’ tales outta school, I’m a touch ashamed that I let that city slicker bout give me the vapors, such as she did. Matter fact, I might could do with not hollerin’ on the internet so much as I already do. Don’t do no one a lick of good no how. But I spect it’s how I put vittles on the table for me and the little lady and I sure wouldn’t want her to be cross with me.

Yep, it’s a simple life we live but hell we get by just fine I reckon. I know she wonders every now and again how better she’d fair were she to of ran off with the bank man years ago instead of hitchin’ her wagon to an old yella-toothed, no-sense-havin country- bumpkin-orator such as myself. Boy I sure am glad she sticks around and keeps the home fires burnin’ I tell you what.

Yeah, I didn’t do much in the way of school-learnin’ back in my early days. Paw always figured it’d be a waste seein’ as how all I wanted to do was stand around and spin my yarns to anyone who’d listen. I reckon I took to tellin’ stories because I’d grown up shuckin’ beans on Meemaws porch listening to the hill people we called cuzins jibber-jabber on about this, that, and the other, and it seemed as good a way as any to pass the time between sun up and sun down. Those of course were the only times of day us simple folk knew seein’ as how clocks were for rich people and those from Conneticut.

Maybe one day If I save up all the money I usually use to buy scratch offs then I can afford to go to one of them fancy word schools I hear tell of all the time. I reckon this lady on twitter that gived me the what-for on my speaking failures must of went to one, otherwise she wouldn’t know that I said such a stupid thing. I just hope she don’t scroll back too far and find all the stupider stuff I said. Excuse me…stuff I said that is more stupid (god I hope I getted that right!)

I hope she understands that I never knew I’d have to know so many words! Where I’m from we only needed about six or seven… “Hey Billy where’s the fish bitin’ best at?”. That was usually enough to get us by. And don’t even get me started on how I can’t count! When I look at numbers all I see is squiggles. When I’m tryin’ ta figure out how much money I’ve got in my wallet I have to go by the men’s hairstyles printed on the bills. I know that the one worth the most is that bald feller. Unfortunate head he’s got on him. Reckon thats why they didn’t let him be president? Either that or because he spent all day flyin kites like a damn toddler. I reckon I would’ve seemed smarter if I had been born 200 some-odd years back. Oh well, we have to play the hand we are dealt, even if we cant read the cards.

When we was kids instead of spellin’ contests we’d just line up in rows of three and chunk possums in old whiskey barrels. If you tossed a second possum in before the first possum climbed out then you got 5 points. Since none of us could count that high we’d just start the game over after that. It wasn’t much, but it was all we had, and it kept us off the streets ya know? I had this one Possum we called “Cheryl The Possum”. We’d turn her loose in the candy store and she’d pop back out with a mouth full of jawbreakers. All ya gotta do is wipe em off with one a ya Momma’s dish rags and hot-damn boy you got ya self a free jawbreaker, skeeeeewwww!

I wish I knewed that when I started playin around on the interwebs that my lack of fancified word knowin’ was gonna get me in a whole mess of trouble. I reckon if I did I wouldn’t have bothered. Call me a pie-in-the-sky simpleton but I thought as long as people could understand what you was trying to say that it aint matter much how ya said it. I always figured true smarts was being able to figure stuff out even if it wasn’t written all proper like. I guess some folks lack the capacity though and need it all laid out for em. I’ll be more mindful of that going forward so as to hopefully help out these folks who are so smart they need to let everyone else know how dumb other people are.

Yep, growin’ up in the modern world was hard for someone like me who don’t know no words too good, but I’ve faired pretty well due to the kindness of strangers. Momma always said “Boy that crooked grin will take you further than a basket of 5 dollar words ever would, you hear me?” Momma always knew what to say. Maybe she’d been around a buncha real smart northern folk in her day, hell I don’t know. One thing I do know, however, is that we had love, and love don’t care how it’s spelt.

Y’all take care now, hear?

‘Corey Ryan Forrester